Log in

LiveJournal for the beauty is dead.

View:User Info.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.

Tuesday, July 17th, 2012

Subject:good guy lion
Time:1:31 am.
Mood: nauseated.
Lion good guy.

24 hours of nausea.

Unicorn? He's a good guy and a GREAT lion.

vom already.
Comments: Jigga what?.

Thursday, March 1st, 2012

Subject:worlds apart
Time:4:49 am.
no, but for seriously.

I can't believe you exist. I'm so grateful to know you.. and I hope this lasts...at least for a while. I blush. every single time I think of you.
Comments: Jigga what?.

Tuesday, January 24th, 2012

Subject:I'm a lumberjack and that's ok
Time:1:13 am.
Mood: cheerful.
enjoying the lightest heart and most freedom I've felt in nearly 7 years. So this is what letting go is like...no fucking wonder everyone told me to do this yearssss ago.

I may lose my license this week, but I'll figure something out. I always seem to get by..even if it's just barely by the hair of my chiny chin chin. ew.

i'm going to take a bath and read a book and hopefully enjoy a sleep filled with vivid-non-nightmare dreams.

you can go do whatever you like. I honestly don't care.
Comments: Jigga what?.

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011

Time:5:21 am.
Mood: melancholy.
Three nights in a row...

I've had those dreams again..the ones where two off my teeth fall out. According to Google, this is a common nightmare theme. I could mean anything from my personal insecurity, my concentration on vanity, loss of control in my life, the subconscious fear that I can't verbally communicate well, guilt over telling secrets or having said too much, to a literal fear that I'll lose my teeth..or personal growth, apparently. I don't know. I doubt it means anything...well, I do fear knocking my teeth loose, so I suppose that's it.

My dreams have all been pretty awful recently. They've mostly been mini movies playing out scenarios based on my insecurities surrounding some recent let downs. Its like...all the thoughts and fears and scenes that I reuse to entertain in my waking hours are unavoidable in sleep.I wake up feeling empty.

I've been intentionally cutting back on sleep hours. It's the only defense I could think of. I stay awake and try to keep my mind busy. Sudoku, reading, homework, painting..

I ran out of gas the other night. It was after work.. I knew I was pushing it by not stopping on my way in, but I was going to be late and I subsequently written up if I did.. I'd walked to line before..so I figured I'd be fine.

When I was getting ready to leave, my sister called... I didn't feel like driving and talking..so I just chilled in my car and had a little chat with Wibs. After we finished our conversation I (I have no clue how I managed to fall through the rabbit hole) got completely sucked into watching a series of videos... at some point along the way I had turned my car on...to get warm. The digital gas gauge thingy said; 14 miles D.T.E. I had left work with 0 miles left and made it fine to the gas station..so I didn't worry too much about it. Apparently the gauge was a great big liar. I tried to turn my car on when I was done with the pointless video waste of time... and I realized that I was clearly out of gas.

Great. 1 in the morning. No gas.

I thought about my options for a minute. The shell station across the street was closed and pointless and a giant failure. I walked about a quarter of a mile to the next closest station. Closed. FUCK. Thank you smart phone, I'm glad you exist- although you're a huge time waster, you're also a life saver.
I searched for the nearest open gas station..a little over 2 miles down the road.
What choice did I have? I was going to walk. It never occurred to me to call anyone. I suppose because there was no one to call. I couldn't think of anyone I knew that lived within 30 minutes and also liked me enough to rescue my dumbass at 1 in the morning. No, there was no one to call.

I found my headphones and listened to Handel on the Law on tunein radio while I walked. Even though I was a little uneasy the whole time I walked in the dark, I also enjoyed it a little. The weather was perfect and it felt good to stretch my legs. Along the way, I saw a person stopping at every drive-thru window. They were collecting all of the dropped change. I couldn't decide how I felt about it.. since they undoubtedly have been snagging the runaway tips under my window... but after seeing them stop at a 4th window, I decided that I felt sad for them and whatever circumstances forced them into such a desperate place.

Two gallons of gas starts to get heavy after just a few minutes of walking. On my way back I had to use all of my self restraint not to try and get in touch with Jake, and then later to stop thinking of him. I almost physically ached to hear his voice. I wanted to tell him what new ridiculous situation I had gotten myself into and to listen to all his stories from the day. I wanted to hear what he had been up to and what made him laugh since the last time we talked... I wanted to - in his words- in his voice- whatever was on his mind.

I forced myself into playing the band game...with... myself

then it started to rain.

I made it back to my car before I was COMPLETELY drenched. The rain had made the gas can slippery.. and in true Catherine Douglas style, I dropped it... mostly on my pants. I'm pretty sure I was high by the time I got home. Not in a good way.

Once I was safe and sound at home, I snuggled up in bed (4 am) and watched some of my favorite golden geriatric gals until I fell asleep. I hadn't brushed my teeth, turned off the light, OR TAKEN OFF MY GLASSES.

I woke the next morning to find that I had broken my glasses in my sleep.

Yep, universe- 1000000, Cat-0
Comments: Jigga what?.

Friday, October 28th, 2011

Time:3:33 am.
probably just over analyzing nothing until it's something. Probably jumping to conclusions. Probably wrong. Gut feelings are stupid. When has listening to a gut feeling ever gotten anyone anywhere? I'm pretty sure we're approaching the finish line. I wonder what it'll be like this time.
Comments: Jigga what?.

Tuesday, October 25th, 2011

Time:2:11 am.
Mood: lonely.
Long nights. Lonely nights. I think he's changed his mind. I know he's got an awful lot on his mind..and so so so much to deal with..I feel like a self centered ass for thinking of me...but I just cant seem to shake the feeling that he's pulling away from me..from us..the distance seems greater lately. Somehow. I need to study more. I should work more too. I could sleep more, but my sleep's been full of nightmares recently. I hate waking up from a bad dream and realizing that im completely alone. Ugh. Here I am...bitching on livejournal like old old old times.
I think I'll reread circle of friends. Its my heavy heart pick me up book. I did just finish it again liiiike
Comments: Jigga what?.

Friday, December 31st, 2010

Time:5:00 pm.

One of my favorite books. I read this over and over and over. <3

Another favorite. The artwork is lovely and mesmerized me completely.

Comments: Jigga what?.

Tuesday, December 28th, 2010

Time:1:20 am.

Comments: Jigga what?.

Sunday, December 26th, 2010

Time:6:53 pm.

Mark Twain once said,

“New Year’s is a harmless annual institution of no particular use to anybody, save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.”



I mostly hate New Year's eve. I like the idea of it, but people tend to get a little too wild. I love love love fashion that screams NYE though. I'm an odd bird.


Comments: Jigga what?.

Time:6:28 pm.







clearly I'm obsessed.
Comments: Jigga what?.

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

Subject:things and things
Time:8:55 pm.

Comments: Jigga what?.

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

Subject:in my version the trees sing
Time:3:37 pm.
what. a. douche.
Comments: Jigga what?.

Time:3:35 pm.
The Klu Klux Tea Party is at it again.

I brought you a post last week showing video of the repeated naked racist tone at Tea Party rallies. Yesterday during their supposed protest of health care on capital hill; Tea Partiers visited their vile racism upon legislators.

It is clear this feigned outrage is not about big government and socialism; as these people didn’t get angry until a Black man became president. Their now blatant racism only underlines what was obvious from the start. The far right is mad that they lost the election; and even madder that they lost it to a Black man.
Comments: Jigga what?.

Saturday, August 2nd, 2008

Time:6:27 pm.

bottom line: we have to put these feelings on a shelf because I miss my best friend and you miss me...and the drama makes us crazy...and being apart like this is hurting us both.

same page.

i suppose i feel good about this. I think I mostly feel good that miss Frankie as stopped shitting all over the house.

I'm looking forward to having a pizza/wine/phase ten night with Chance. I'm ready to just let go of all the stressful bullshit that's been clouding my head recently. I know that I'm a worrier and i'm really good and freaking out over things certainly can't be changed by just analyzing then ( finances, work, adam, blah, blah, blah), but I think I can manage to drop it for a night. If I don't, I might just completely flip shit and throw myself in front of a moving car.

I'd been out of my zoloft for a week. At first i was just clenching and grinding my teeth and getting little headaches, but then I started getting weepy again. Every little upset started feeling like the worst thing ever again (although Frankie's diarrhea was kinda the worst thing). I was able to get my prescription refilled yesterday and get back on it last night. This morning I feel a little better. I think a combo of getting plenty of sleep, miss frankie butt plugging up, having a nice talk with adam, fritos, and an immaculately clean room might be the reason.

I really want to paint the walls of this house. They need it. White is boring...and Sheridan and I are not boring.

the end.
Comments: Jigga what?.

Time:3:09 am.
benadryl is amazing.

my kitten has the runs.

i've been cleaning for nearly 6 hours.

i think that i'm glad my phone took a shit. i'm sure that if i had it, i'd be trying to talk to adam...not having one at all is sort of getting me used to not having any contact with him.

it still feels like shit, but whatever.

i'm done analyzing you, adam. it makes me tired and it just doesn't fucking matter anyway. i knew that you loved me, but that you were just a huge pussy. knowing how you really felt kept me there for a long time. every single time i tried to walk away from you..you reminded me (in your own emotionally retarded way) how you felt and i stuck around. you said too much. you opened up. you flipped out. you got scared. you pushed me away. you decided you were done because you're freaked out by being so close. i know these things. i know you. it doesn't matter though. i'm really tired. i have nothing left to give. so we're done. we're not even friends anymore (because you're being a scared little nancy boy)...which blows because you're one of the best friends i've ever had...and i really miss having someone that can laugh with me.

ooooooooooooooh well. thangs is thangs is thags.

fuck this infomercial

lets just keep this between you, me, and wilford brimley.
Comments: Jigga what?.

Thursday, June 26th, 2008

Time:7:41 pm.
re read last post.

i forgot that people could feel that way about each other. I forgot that i felt that way about someone.
Comments: 2 thugs wanna throw down, biatch - Jigga what?.

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

Time:4:11 pm.
so im back from valdosta. back at work. had a fun weekend. had a few beers. and guess what, im still ok. i dont think it is a big deal at all. i know it is for cat, though. i remember what it was like to drink a beer with four years sober. although i think things are different for her than they were for me. i went back out with the intention of getting as fucked up as possible, i knew that i would shoot up coke again. this time, we both just want to live normal lives. not all the stupid drugs, not getting all fucked up and doing stupid shit, just normal lives. drinking champagne on new years, having a beer with dinner, just the things a normal 20-21 year old does. i hope this doesnt change things between me and cat. it shouldnt, and i dont think it will, but im still kind of scared. i love her so much. i think i always will. it is not one of those things where i dont feel like i can do things in my life that i wanted to do, i just want her to do them with me now. like spend some time in europe, or visit tibet. originally i wanted to do those things alone, but now i want her to be with me. i want her included on every aspect of my life. ok, i think i will go poop now. wanna do back and forth? i will poop out of my butthole into your butt, then you will poop back into mine. with the same poop. forever.

An old livejournal of jake's that I looked up out of total boredom today. Hm..
Comments: Jigga what?.

Sunday, June 22nd, 2008

Time:2:49 pm.
okay, Doctor. You win. I think I'm ready to take your pills.

My emotions are finally completely out of my control and starting to seriously and negatively effect my life.

A lack of motivation is something I could deal with. Well, I could ignore it. Actually, it's been getting harder and harder to look past it lately. I mean, fuck. That's why I'm here. No school. Shitty job. Saying it out loud (errr...uhm writing it) makes it sound dumb...like something I'm in total control of (ha. i just wrote tit by mistake). In reality, I'm just not. No matter how much I want to do or change something...I just feel like I can't. It's like...making the slightest effort is completely exhausting and terrifying...so I do nothing. I'm stagnant. I'm broke. I'm less than content. And I spend SOOOOO much time worrying and stressing out over things that I need to do and change...but wont..or can't.

That's been the major symptom for a long time...

Now....well, it's worse.

I'm crying at the drop of a hat. Every time something goes even slightly wrong...I honestly feel like my heart is sinking into my feet and my world's ending. Every hour that passes and I don't hear from someone...it's the loneliest hour of my life and everyone hates me and I can't understand what I must have done to anyone and I don't know why no one thinks of me or misses me. Then I wake up...and things ALWAYS seem better in the day light...I don't know why that is...

Anyway...tomorrow I'm calling you, Doctor...and making an appointment. I can't live like this anymore. I feel it getting worse every single day. I don't want to know what will happen if I let it go any longer.
Comments: Jigga what?.

Saturday, June 21st, 2008

Time:9:00 pm.
I saw adam last night for the first time in forever. 2 weeks, I think. He sent me a text that said he missed me and wanted to see me. He had just gotten in a wreck (no big deal) and wanted me to be there. I know how he felt. When shitty things happen..he's the first one I want to call.

I went to his house at late as fuck o'clock. He had run to the store...so I waited outside. While I was waiting, his roomie, james, and some of his friends got home. The first thing James said was, "Long time, no see. I missed you!" Ha.

Adam and I hung out in his room and watched youtube videos and shit talked like always. I was texting Chance (he didnt know it was Chance of course...) and I think he got jealous. I was trying to make him feel that way...anyway..I was keeping my physical distance...trying not to get too close. Trying to keep a friendly space between us. While we were laying on the bed talking he grabbed my hand. I just looked at it. Then he pulled me close and just held me. It felt soooooo nice. He told me that he missed me. I missed him a lot. I told him that i was tired...and that I should probably go home (I can't remember NOT staying the night if I've been at his house...) he asked me to just stay...so I did. guh.

We had sex. We hardly ever do that. It was kinda intense. After, we showered off...lots of joking and laughing the bathroom...so comfortable..and then he snuggled he hard when he got in bed....I stared thinking though...about how we'd taken so much time apart to try and be just friends...and I decided that I should go home (at 4 a.m.) so I got up and started dressing...I told him that i was antsy (not true. very very tired)...and he demanded the truth...so I told him. He hugged me real tight and said, "i know...we were taking space...but that doesn't make my feelings go away." I responded with, "I don't know what that means." and he said, "I don't either. Just stay, please." so I did. We fell asleep together...and woke up and pleasant moods. I think we'll never figure it out. But at least we're getting used to not spending so much time together.


then the ATM ate my fucking debit card. It just ate it. Now I have no way to get to my money. Not that I really have any...but still. Pissed. I can't do anything. I can't go anywhere. guh.

AAAAAAAAAANNNNNNDDD my fucking already retarded phone is even more fucked. I can't text anymore. fuck. fuck. fuck.
Comments: Jigga what?.

Saturday, June 14th, 2008

Time:6:14 pm.
I'm pretty much done with Tiffany and her psycho bullshit, abusive behavior, and selfish immature crap. I wasn't aware that if my friend is going through a difficult time I'm not allowed to have anything going on in my life. I didn't know that dealing with my own feelings and issues was selfish and means that I'm a dramatic bitch. I had no fucking clue that if you're going trough something hard you can abuse your friends and berate them with fuck word after fuck word describing what a piece of shit you think they are in front of tons of people. According to Tiff, all of these things are true. So, I hope everything works out in her life...but I'm over it. She can find a new friend to abuse and use.

I really miss Adam already.
Comments: 2 thugs wanna throw down, biatch - Jigga what?.

LiveJournal for the beauty is dead.

View:User Info.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.