the beauty is dead (thisisnotanexit) wrote,
the beauty is dead

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Three nights in a row...

I've had those dreams again..the ones where two off my teeth fall out. According to Google, this is a common nightmare theme. I could mean anything from my personal insecurity, my concentration on vanity, loss of control in my life, the subconscious fear that I can't verbally communicate well, guilt over telling secrets or having said too much, to a literal fear that I'll lose my teeth..or personal growth, apparently. I don't know. I doubt it means anything...well, I do fear knocking my teeth loose, so I suppose that's it.

My dreams have all been pretty awful recently. They've mostly been mini movies playing out scenarios based on my insecurities surrounding some recent let downs. Its like...all the thoughts and fears and scenes that I reuse to entertain in my waking hours are unavoidable in sleep.I wake up feeling empty.

I've been intentionally cutting back on sleep hours. It's the only defense I could think of. I stay awake and try to keep my mind busy. Sudoku, reading, homework, painting..

I ran out of gas the other night. It was after work.. I knew I was pushing it by not stopping on my way in, but I was going to be late and I subsequently written up if I did.. I'd walked to line I figured I'd be fine.

When I was getting ready to leave, my sister called... I didn't feel like driving and I just chilled in my car and had a little chat with Wibs. After we finished our conversation I (I have no clue how I managed to fall through the rabbit hole) got completely sucked into watching a series of videos... at some point along the way I had turned my car get warm. The digital gas gauge thingy said; 14 miles D.T.E. I had left work with 0 miles left and made it fine to the gas I didn't worry too much about it. Apparently the gauge was a great big liar. I tried to turn my car on when I was done with the pointless video waste of time... and I realized that I was clearly out of gas.

Great. 1 in the morning. No gas.

I thought about my options for a minute. The shell station across the street was closed and pointless and a giant failure. I walked about a quarter of a mile to the next closest station. Closed. FUCK. Thank you smart phone, I'm glad you exist- although you're a huge time waster, you're also a life saver.
I searched for the nearest open gas station..a little over 2 miles down the road.
What choice did I have? I was going to walk. It never occurred to me to call anyone. I suppose because there was no one to call. I couldn't think of anyone I knew that lived within 30 minutes and also liked me enough to rescue my dumbass at 1 in the morning. No, there was no one to call.

I found my headphones and listened to Handel on the Law on tunein radio while I walked. Even though I was a little uneasy the whole time I walked in the dark, I also enjoyed it a little. The weather was perfect and it felt good to stretch my legs. Along the way, I saw a person stopping at every drive-thru window. They were collecting all of the dropped change. I couldn't decide how I felt about it.. since they undoubtedly have been snagging the runaway tips under my window... but after seeing them stop at a 4th window, I decided that I felt sad for them and whatever circumstances forced them into such a desperate place.

Two gallons of gas starts to get heavy after just a few minutes of walking. On my way back I had to use all of my self restraint not to try and get in touch with Jake, and then later to stop thinking of him. I almost physically ached to hear his voice. I wanted to tell him what new ridiculous situation I had gotten myself into and to listen to all his stories from the day. I wanted to hear what he had been up to and what made him laugh since the last time we talked... I wanted to - in his words- in his voice- whatever was on his mind.

I forced myself into playing the band game...with... myself

then it started to rain.

I made it back to my car before I was COMPLETELY drenched. The rain had made the gas can slippery.. and in true Catherine Douglas style, I dropped it... mostly on my pants. I'm pretty sure I was high by the time I got home. Not in a good way.

Once I was safe and sound at home, I snuggled up in bed (4 am) and watched some of my favorite golden geriatric gals until I fell asleep. I hadn't brushed my teeth, turned off the light, OR TAKEN OFF MY GLASSES.

I woke the next morning to find that I had broken my glasses in my sleep.

Yep, universe- 1000000, Cat-0
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